A loss.

Over the weekend, some teenagers found their way into my landlords' backyard and threw a party that spanned the pool house to my little hayloft. Neither my landlords nor myself were there that night, and when I came home in the morning I found one hungover boy amidst a smattering of late-night-munchies debris and another boy still drunk, passed out, in nothing but lobster-print boxers, sprawled across my bed.

After a series of stupid(er) events, the boys very bashfully and apologetically left. Ten minutes or so of shock passed, and I went to email my landlords in Costa Rica about the situation. And that's when I noticed the missing laptop.

It's almost embarrassing to admit this, but I'm devastated. That computer had three years of my life on it, documents that I didn't back up because they seemed less important, but in loss seem paramount. My poem-a-day project is gone. The letters I wrote to departed friends and father are gone. All of my photos, including my trip to South America. The list is ever-expanding.

Nigel and I are currently living with a wonderfully generous friend. It may seem overly-cautious, but I feel unsafe as long as my landlords are still gone and the boys in question have been threatened and are knowingly pursued by the police. While I know it's silly to feel almost apologetic about my fear, I think I should explain anyway:

Two years ago last month my childhood best friend was murdered in Austin. The circumstances surrounding her death bear similar marks to my current situation: a scared boy who finds no way out can attempt to take the situation into his own hands. I keep saying, "while it's unlikely that they would try anything.." the word holds no weight against my fear. No amount of profiling makes this situation any less or more likely than the events and people involved in Stacy's death, or any other number of crimes committed every day. When in doubt, heed your instinct-- and my instinct says to stay away.

There's a slim chance I can still get the computer back, but that chance is grim. While trying to fund the purchase of a new laptop is incredibly stressful, it's what's been lost that really wells in my chest as I think about it all throughout the day.

A cheerful post to come soon.